New vaccine stops STDs
By Michele Lynn
On March 31, 2009 the Federal Drug Administration approved a new vaccine that will stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, particularly that of HIV, syphilis and herpes.
Oddly enough, physicians have found through numerous studies that the vaccine is 99.9999 percent effective in preventing the transfer of any STD when having sex.
The vaccine, named Safety First, is great for any customer, making them immune to any disease. They do conclude that the vaccine does not reverse the affects if you already have the disease, but they hope to at least curb the number of new cases.
The announcement comes in ironic contrast to the statements made by Pope Benedict XVI on March 17, who said in other words, that the vaccine is not the answer for the AIDS epidemic in Africa (do you think it is a coincidence that this was said on St. Patrick's day?)
Rather than teaching people about contraception and AIDS awareness, he promotes abstinence through the Catholic teachings. Well we all know that the whole world is not going to stop having sex, so this new type of vaccine may be the answer to the world's biggest problems.
Through news reports, it seems that most people in the country feel good and even excited about the new condom. This feeling also extends to the OSU student body. For example, the man who wants to be referred to as XXL says "hell yah, now I don't have to worry about getting sumthin from the girl at the bar." Bambi Nightengale got excited, when it dawned on her that she "won't have to worry about that one-night stand!"
Others were disgusted like Jane Purebred because now "people will just be running around having sex with anyone, especially if there are drunk," as if they don't now. However, it seems that as a whole, most people on campus seem to at least be interested in the vaccine.
In theory, the vaccine would work, but alas, there is always a price to pay when buying something to make your life easier. In this case, the price is steep, with the vaccine costing $100. This may be the most expensive way to have sex.
It seems that with every type of medicine, birth control or pill there are benefits, but there also many drawbacks. Safety First is no exception. Possible side effects include: backache, aversion to light, headaches, weight gain, water retention, obsessive tree hugging, sleeplessness, an increase in facial/ body hair, irritability, lung cancer, breast cancer, diabetes, necrophilia, addiction, blackouts, drunk rages, non-cancerous mole growth, hair loss, pulse increase, unquenchable thirst, dizziness, a decrease in sex drive, an increase in sex drive, infertility and of course death. But on the plus side you can have sex with someone you don't know, on the off chance they have an STD, and be completely protected.
As said before, beware of imitators! If you are interested in receiving the vaccine, you can only it get one way, by calling… 1-800-APRIL-FOOLS.
The truth is that no condom or vaccine available fully protects against STDs. According to the government's Web site, sex with a condom "isn't totally 'safe sex," but 'less risky' sex."
Condoms/vaccines don't completely protect you, but when worn correctly, do lower the risk of passing these diseases. The most important thing to do is get tested.
Know yourself, and know your partner, that way you don't have to worry. Be smart, and know that just because someone doesn't look like they have an STD, doesn't mean they don't.
